At My Age, All Change Is Scary …
Chaucer is credited with the expression, “time (and tide) waits for no man.” Some forces of nature, like time, remain beyond our control. The expression’s meaning is often taken to be an admonition against procrastination – the effort to defeat time’s relentless force. But I think its meaning is more conservative. Small “c” conservative that is, admonishing us, instead, to keep things going as long as possible, to “keep on keeping on.” We do, after all, control our own day-to-day routines – as we see clearly in retirement, empty nestedness, established personal relationships. Planning new experiences requires far more effort for those of us of a certain age (I’m 77) than settling into familiar patterns of behavior – considering the comfort derived from their near perfection! We usually avoid situations where an unexpected challenge might arise, possibly confronting us with a requirement to think quickly or respond creatively. And we don’t want to find ourselves in a debate with an opponent! (Sorry, Mr. Biden – I’m not President running for re-election.)
While I struggle with metaphysical concepts like “consciousness,” I am reasonably certain that the days remaining for this body of mine are limited. New experiences might be educational (yes, I still learn stuff from reading and listening to people), but the real tyranny of time is that it may not allow me to share any new knowledge with others. My daily routines are far more comfortable than any concerted effort to reach out. I look forward to tomorrow because it means doing the same things I did today. Those things give me pleasure. And that tyranny of time means that doing something new may well preclude me doing that old, familiar thing I so enjoy. Conflict ensues. It’s even worse when changes in my routines are imposed by external forces beyond my control. I can rearrange my schedules, but I dread having to give up anything in my daily, or weekly, activity roster. I must have three 50-minute sessions at my gym each week, although which days vary. Neighborhood walks depend on the weather, but late-night TV binging with my wife is an inviolate constant – it is OUR routine! Likewise, most meals follow a limited menu for breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks – allowable variations have long since been codified, new additions rare. Many rituals are based on weekly intervals, alternating days for certain combinations of interior lighting, or venetian blinds raised or lowered on certain windows, stretching and weight exercises at home, shaving, hair washing, grocery trips, a mixed drink nightcap (limited to two per week), all subject to certain predetermined schedules throughout the week. It didn’t used to be this way – a function of aging for sure. They call it “aging in place.”
I haven’t managed to make any concrete plans for downsizing yet. My wife is still working! (But not for long?) We both know the task must move up on that ethereal “to do” list. For now, home maintenance is still manageable, given a maid service and appliance repairmen. My landscape maintenance is cheap compared to many neighbors — I still mow my own lawn. But I have seen the future, and it only goes downhill! It doesn’t quite engender fear, just resignation. Maybe some procrastination. Soon, there will have to be a reckoning, especially financial, regarding children, taxes, babysitting grandkids, etc. What are my responsibilities here, anyway? Any sense that time is running out has so far been held in abeyance. I still fantasize a younger self, but in possession of all my accumulated wisdom. If my physical health holds, this is not too difficult a fantasy to sustain.
Ever since college (nearly 60 years ago) I have been held captive by Erik Erikson’s eight stages of psychosocial development. I always found their dialectic tension and distillation of primary virtues compelling. I feel I “aced” all tests for the first seven stages: Trust vs. Mistrust, Autonomy vs. Shame/Doubt, Initiative vs. Guilt, Industry vs. Inferiority, Identity vs. Confusion, Intimacy vs. Isolation, and Generativity vs. Stagnation (perhaps not on the rigid time schedule suggested by Erikson). Generativity vs. Stagnation probably resolved some years back – its primary virtue of “caring” seems real enough. And my current campaign, the final stage, Integrity vs. Despair, is on track. Its “wisdom” virtue is palpable – makes me feel good! And “integrity” can also be interpreted to mean “integration” of personality – all that has gone before has contributed to who I am now. It’s been a good life. But wait! Maybe I need to roll back just a bit to that Generativity stage – am I perhaps being too smug in my comfortable ivory tower? Have I really shared enough with others? This questioning may be a chink in the armor of the status quo to which I cling so dearly. Has my responsibility to care been fully exercised? Do I still need to give something up to satisfy that seventh psychosocial mandate? In short, am I too comfortable?
I’m afraid I must leave that assessment to others – they will have the privilege of making the final judgement on whether my life has been truly generative. It occurs to me that feedback, from general social connection, and across generations, would be helpful for me to answer that question. I could seek out those connections, starting with my children and grandchildren – I’m always eager to learn more about their own struggles and challenges. It’s logical to assume that younger generations would not be as enamored of the status quo as me! They have different drivers, different dreams (do I have any dreams?). When my support for the status quo conflicts with their aspirations, we have a problem. And so it is, not just in my family, but in the entire outside world! In that debate, who was thinking more about this tension – President Joe Biden or his challenger?
— William Sundwick
Warp and Woof 